Posts Tagged ‘survival’
Transparence (Contd.)
Why am I sharing my personal experiences (private until I reveal them to the reader of this blog) myself? Especially when I am complaining about the impact of third-party interference in all areas of my life at the same time?
Because of the person that I am, one who values transparence and authenticity. Because of the way it helps me – this way, I have proactively put my experiences on record, in the hope that I someday see justice being done and my human rights and right to dignity and privacy restored.
Because, if it happened to me, it can happen to anyone and is happening to many people around the world. And, because in my opinion, it is important to share information about this situation, however unpleasant – with my peers and the people who are interested in my biography.
I am also making an effort to portray the empowering and positive aspects of my experience and present my solutions to problems that all “targeted individuals” who are victims of harassment are facing.
I think that the impact of my revelations is more immediate in its effect upon us as human-beings and as a ‘connected and informed’ society than reports of earthquakes and nuclear fall-out in Japan or the news of Greece’s bankruptcy.
Most importantly, whether anyone reads this blog or not, whether anyone believes me or not, the experience of describing my reality, in this little closed space of this almost anonymous blog has freed me. I have had a lot more mindspace and resources since then to “get on with my life.” I have made quite some progress.
Also, writing in a semi-public forum (this site is searchable on the web but the link has only been shared with people I know) has helped me reduce the feeling of dissonance between my reality and what people expect or see of me. I know I appear normal and should be behaving as if I were, but my circumstances aren’t and I’d like to put on record – from my perspective what is impacting me.
This blog is taking shape in an organic way. I decided at the outset not to force the issue or to impose any particular structure, although that is what I am professionally trained to do. It is very difficult to write about my personal experiences during this time. Especially because of the harsh realities of life it exposes.
Once you have read this blog, you’ll know of things, you probably wish you didn’t. I can understand that. But, no one is forcing you to participate in my world. I am writing only for the curious.
I will be adding to all the chapters in this blog in bits and pieces and hope that it become more coherent with time. This is the way in which my situation became clear to me, incrementally, and this blog naturally reflects this incremental nature of revelation. I am also updating some of the links that I have added to past chapters because some of the old pages have changed content.
At this point, I must add that I never expected to elicit any real reaction and didn’t, at the beginning when I first published this blog and posted the link. Everyone just pretended that they hadn’t read it although my site statistics showed a lot of visitors.
Then, at a time when the harassment in my life had peaked, a few months back in the last quarter of 2011, I had posted a Facebook status update about being gang-stalked. I must say that I was touched, moved and impressed by the way that my acquaintances and contacts rallied around me with their moral support – although the situation must have been challenging for many.
People who know me well, and know first hand what I am going through, just ignored me. Someone close to me asked me why I must insist of sharing unpleasant aspects of my life with the public – if you (the person who asked me) have read this, I hope that I have answered your questions satisfactorily.
I am certain that many people feel helpless because they do not know how they can help me. To be honest, I don’t know how anyone can help me either. I do not even expect any help. Not that I don’t need it or couldn’t use some help.
But, help often comes in the most unexpected forms. The moral support that I am getting by having good, decent and rational people around me and in my world, makes my ordeal definitely more bearable. It reminds me that there are still good people in this world and gives me the faith and the courage to persevere although I often think that the most rational thing for me to do would be to give-up and give-in to the situation because it is so much bigger than me and than all the resources I can mobilise.
There are also some people for whom this situation that I describe is so unimaginable and far-fetched that they don’t know if they should be concerned about my mental health. This response is something that I also expected.
To be honest, I am pretty concerned about my mental health as well. 😉 But it is not just my mental health that concerns me. All aspects of my life have been impacted due to the effects of organised stalking in my life.
It is becoming pretty exhausting and challenging to maintain a semblance of normalcy when there is nothing normal about my life since more years than I care to remember.
But, here I still am…looking forward to my next birthday already.
Epiphany
Funnily enough, despite my very challenging reality, I feel free.
Emancipated, set free and rid of all baggage that I had been carrying with me all these years.
What happened?
I worked it out.
How?
Simple. Step-by-step.
Huh?
You see, it is like this. Being a woman in a male world, a female in a predominantly male-workforce, having to conform as a woman to intellectual ideals and social taboos that have no relevance to my context, combined with being the object of 24x7x365 surveillance, challenged me in the most astonishing way.
There is certainly some truth in the famous Nietzsche quote “What does not kill you makes you stronger.” Or, do cowards die a hundred times before their death? Isn’t it all a matter of perspective?
That is what I have discovered. That it is all a matter of perspective. Admittedly, I am naturally predisposed to opportunism and a pretty constant framing and reframing of my life and reality since I am obsessed with my growth and development on all levels in this human life.
This process has been an epiphany for me. A religious breakthrough. A paradigm shift in my way of thinking. And that, given that there is no higher religion in my life than life itself, is a good thing. In fact, it is phenomenal, ground-breaking, awesome!
And, to be honest, it was only due to all the limitations imposed on me that this incredible change in my life took place.
On a banal level, the process of my transformation from a victim of society to just another person with a FUBAR life-story, describes the following milestones:
1. I realised that I was getting the short end of the deal.
I was getting paid less than my colleagues because I have fewer diploma’s and no professional qualifications for my chosen area of application; in addition to getting paid less because I am a woman; in addition to getting paid less because I have fewer years of experience! But, doing more work than anybody else as an over-compensatory move to make good for all these lacunae. And, not getting the same pay-raises and promotions as my peers because I lack the necessary social skills: I don’t ass-creep (I am congenitally defect. I have ADD – Attention Deficit Disorder. Some schools of science see it as a type of Autism. Autists find it almost impossible to lie or prevaricate and also to tolerate the same). Also, my big fat head (so full of *it*), with my huge mouth (big enough to fit my foot into on notable occasions), would be difficult to get into a normal sized arse on a good day.
This is just my professional life. In my personal life, I did not get any help from my immediate family on a day-to-day basis because – after all – “I am responsible for my own life and I should be able to get on with it on my own.” Also, I can write-off any kind of help or support because I am a social embarrassment to them. A person who, among other things, despite her considerable and demonstrated intellect, talents and “potential” – has managed to fail twice at being a wife to someone. (I mean, how stupid does one have to be to not even get their personal relationships to work out successfully?) To make matters worse, since I have dropped out of the ratrace, they see me as someone without an identity. Yeah, right, self-employed. That must be just another word for unemployable right? What do we tell people what you do for a living? Live?
I have heard it being referred to as tough love.
2. I decided not to put up with less than what I deserve.
I figured at some point of time that I would rather love myself tenderly, than have to bend and break in order to deserve “tough-love” from those that know me. People that feel that they are entitled to their sense of expectation of me, to be a stakeholder in the best results and successes in my life but not be obliged to do anything for me in return – such as support and love me in the bad times as well.
I have decided to let the people that are not supportive of me and my life’s goals to get on with their lives. I do not let anyone or anything lower my prana and energy charge or impact me in a limiting way. And with practice and experience, I am getting better at it.
Have you ever noticed that when you are in a really great mood and flying, there is always a bunch of nay-sayers who think it is their duty to bring you down to earth? Why? What’s so great down there? All I can see is you guys – whereas, here on my altitude, there are clear horizons everywhere you look. Don’t have the necessary charge to catch up with me up here, huh? Why don’t you all come up here and enjoy a whole new world with me? What are you afraid of?
3. I made some serious and concrete adjustments to my goals, lifestyle and person in order to live my dream.
It is my dream to be a wife and a mother. A partner and best-friend to my mate and the best parent to my children. I have achieved my dream of being a good student, professional, daughter, sister and many other such usual wishes that a person like me has. But, I have not yet achieved the dream of finally living in a family of my design and values.
The only reason that I am not yet living my dream is because in my almost four decades on earth, I have not yet met my significant other. The team-mate and partner with whom I will design the shape of my future.
As status reports go, I have arrived. As a person in my own reality. I am finally in a position to fully commit myself to another person. Now that I am finally my own person.
To be honest, this is probably the first time in my life when I am ready to commit. Until now, I was allocated by my family and people who know me – to various stations in life. My previous relationships were not the result of my own decisions but was me pandering to social expectations or hankering after that which I think I should have because of who I think I am.
I acknowledge daily all the ways in which my life has been positively charged and optimized through my own personal actions. I have faith in my abilities, our God and the absolute correctness of the eternal Universe. In nature, there is no such thing as a mistake. Mutations sort themselves out into viable and non-viable ones over the course of time.
God makes no mistakes.
Challenges
Coping with my reality has been a Sisyphean task for quite some time now.
Very challenging, to say the least…
For over six years now, I wake up on certain days to discover that my hair has been cut. Without my consent or my knowledge.
Huge chunks which are difficult to overlook, missing around my head. Mostly, it is around the ears, on top of the head, around the back…it keeps changing.
I figure that I often probably not even noticed the free and involuntary haircuts.
The cutting of the hair has been accompanied by a total reshaping of my brows and hairline (front and back); Readjustment and reshaping of my face, jaws and bite; Redistribution of my center of gravity; Changes in my gait due to painful changes made to my backbone and the bones in my feet; Injections with fat or the modern semi-permanent fillers used in Plastic surgery – so that I often wake up two dress sizes bigger on certain days although I haven’t binged; Pilferage of my food rations and spiking of my foodstuff with chemicals; Vandalism of my home and belongings – like scratches on the wall and floor, damages to ceramic and other fixtures, holes in my favourite pieces of clothing; Financial pressure, blackmail and exploitation; Sleep deprivation, clinically induced stress, physical and psychological torture, and last but not least- pressure through government agencies to stop me from reporting my case.
I have written-off most of my social and professional life – what with noticeable portions of my hair and eyebrows missing…and always in a strange, extremely short and not so flattering hairstyle that I am forced to keep as a result of this interference in my life from an agency that is unknown to me, in a very limited set of clothes because my dress size keeps changing.
It makes me feel grotesque, helpless, fearful and hopeless.
Although I don’t know why, I do know who is doing this.
It is us. It is my society. My neighbours. My government and the government of the country I am living in. It calls itself Big Brother but we are not related.
This is not just happening to me.
This list of litanies, exactly the same on all counts, are being repeated by people around the world. There are approximately 2,3 million people in Germany who have reported these incidents that disempowers them and keeps them in a personal hell everyday. There are websites and forum. Videos and blogs. All of them, report exactly the same story.
It is happening to me not because of who I am and what I do but because I fit the profile.
The profile of a Targeted Individual.
Google it.
Transparence
I have always invested in expanding my worldview as far as my circumstances and resources have allowed – in every possible moment and in every choice I made. I have actively sought and supported self-actualisation.
This fundamental attitude, combined with my personality, has brought with it its share of adventures -as one can expect. The adventures that await a person who treads “off-the-beaten-path.”
All in all, a great place to be until one realises that there is not only no competition, off off-the-beaten-path, but also seldom a companion or even a potential companion.
Little example:
“…I am so glad that we have got to know each other better now and that you like me as much as I like and admire you…and I am glad that our families can meet…oh, and by the way, my circle consists not only of my family and friends – with whom you won’t have to live on a day-to-day basis…but you will be living on a daily basis with a bunch of unknown people in my neighbourhood and from my society, whose sole purpose during their work day (and night) is the collation of the contents of my life and my head… and you will be in intimate contact with these people as long as you and I are in contact with each other (and at this point, my love, I sincerely hope that you have been working out regularly)…and maybe, as a side-effect of our involvement, even when I am not around…oh, and I am so glad that you don’t think I am paranoid…and and as a final thought, while we are on this subject, Sweetheart,…is that everything we do is (naturally) witnessed – as a corollary to my unwittingly public life as a transparent citizen…so glad we could have this conversation…!”
In all honesty, a significant part of my destiny has been shaped by the fact that I have always dared to individuate. Because have always risked pushing the boundaries and scope of what people thought I was and should be. Because I live to actualise myself and be the best that I can be, not just “that person” that people or situations expect me to be.
I differ from most people in my opinion on “How a girl behaves…what a woman does…what family means…what is expected of a colleague…what it means to be an Indian…what it feels like for a global citizen…what love is…” in the generic context alone and allow myself to develop my own ideas in these regards experientially and empirically instead of conforming to dogma and convention. I have always invested in expanding my worldview as far as my circumstances and resources allow – in every possible moment and in every choice that I have made. This has brought with it more than its share of adventures as you can expect from anyone who veers off the beaten path.
But, most people I know don’t like change and are very uncomfortable with it. They resist it because it challenges them to reformulate their worldview. Although change is a transformative process, it is associated with a loss of status quo and it is only human to argue with that.
They figure, “If it ain’t broke(n), why fix it?” That is common sense and a sound philosophy, fundamentally. The thing is however, if I am changed, changing or feel the need to communicate a change in my status, most people who are involved with me and my processes are invested in controlling this change to be able to participate.
What they do not realise is that I often/mostly have to change in order to adapt to my reality and to my real-world circumstances…and that these circumstances of lifestyle and life-story are significantly different than that of other people…and that I, as a result, am a very different person from any other person that they have ever met.
Anomalies
In all honesty, a significant part of my destiny has been shaped by the fact that I have always dared to be different.
Because I have often risked pushing the boundaries and scope of what was considered appropriate.
The context of what people expect from me and consider me to be or think that I should be.
This has often resulted in conflict and challenging situations for all involved parties in any given situation.
I am fundamentally not in agreement with the concept of altering one’s real self in order to fit in to a world that is forever changing. Adaptation and adjustments are natural but falsification isn’t.
I am constantly challenged by my innate nature to be the best that I am and can be – globally, and in the complete “long-run” of my biography, in its entirety.
This “being the best I can be” sometimes takes me off the “beaten-path” because in the circles I move, the “bests” in terms of intelligence, talent, beauty, accomplishments, etc., are so “taken”- occupied by people that are the epitome of and embodification of these qualities (in my opinion, or their own opinion, or as per common knowledge).
For example, Albert Einstein is – as per consensus – probably the most intelligent person that ever lived, in popular opinion, it is a toss-up between Marilyn and JFK as to the most desirable person one can be – like it is a toss-up between Gandhi and Martin Luther King Jr. as to who the greatest social change agent was – in known, contemporary history.
Not making it worthwhile to pursue these goals…as when I do or should I ever measure myself against or start to compete on any of these counts, not only will I always compare my achievements with that represented by that of these other people…I will also be compared by other people to these associations, and what’s worse – the people who are alive and the reigning “beauty”, “talent”, “intellect”, etc., don’t take kindly to new members in their space.
This means that instead of having your energies free to fulfil yourself, you end up counter-maneuvering and counter-balancing in order to define your own space.
My own personal, efficient and economic solution is to take the path of least resistance.
That is – in the context of our modern society – get off the beaten path. There where no man or woman has yet gone before. There where there is not only no competition, but vistas sans boundaries. A new horizon, technically speaking.
My opinions differ substantially from contemporary popular opinion in “How a girl behaves…what comprises a human…what a woman does…what family means…what love is…who we are”…etc.
I am self-indulgent and allow myself to develop my own ideas experientially and empirically instead of conforming to dogma and convention.
Continuity
As I look forward to my 38th birthday, I am aware of just how much stronger and capable of survival I have become as a person in this decade of my life.
I realise how much I have evolved as a person and as a human being in the course of my adult life and especially in the last few years.
Today, I feel lucky and more than a little proud to be me – who I am and who I have become. Despite, or perhaps because of, what has happened to me.
I am thankful to God and the infinite and eternal universe of which I am part.
I feel blessed because I know my calling and my avocation.
I experience abundance in a myriad ways.
My life, my days and nights, past and present are glorious and fulfilled.
I feel congruent, authentic, creative and spirited.
I have been challenged and transformed but remain unshaken in my faith that truth shall prevail.
I believe in divinity, nobility, loyalty and love.
I am working on feeling whole, healthy, content, secure, self-sufficient and integrated again.
This year in my life, I am committed to regrouping my resources in order to optimise my life even further.
I am investing all my resources in functionally enhancing my lifestyle and habits.
The focus this year is to continue to build on the existing momentum of my pre-occupation with optimization, simplification, minimisation and globalisation.
I intend to further enhance my concept of an ecologically-sustainable and morally acceptable lifestyle.
I look forward to engaging myself pro-actively in making ethical choices and economically viable decisions.
I am further reducing redundancies and minimizing dependencies.
This year, I am consciously challenging myself with streamlining efficiencies and bringing to a close the multiple cycles that I have started in this past decade.
Credibility
Am I insane to make such an outrageous claim and such a politically loaded statement in public? To say that I am being held captive in my own home and my own life?
Am I crazy to say that the perpetrator in my case is the government? That it is acting against me in my life, through the agency of people who are educated, appear normal and live with me in my society? People who are doing this not for any personal motivation – but simply because they can and need to.
Am I paranoid to claim that some of my friends, most of my family, some neighbours and mostly people I don’t know and will never probably meet again, are working together in a conspiracy to destroy me, my credibility, my sanity and my will to live? All this – using state-of-the-art technology developed and conceptualised exclusively for the purposes of human mind-control and made available to them through government funding.
I certainly wish I was. I wished many times during my ordeal in the last decade that I go mad so that I don’t have deal with the situation that was becoming clearer on a daily basis – that I am under constant surveillance and that I am being permanently stalked. That I simply go insane so that I don’t have to take responsibility for my involvement in a complex situation that is far bigger than me and has little to do with my goals and plans as a person: The human mind as the final frontier in a global war for domination and control.
I made many active and proactive efforts at securing my dignity and quality of life in the last ten years – such as:
Candidly, factually and coherently stating my case and begging my family for insight, support and help in my situation; Reports to the local police in various states in Germany – where I live, and in India – where I come from, to secure relief from the terror, abuse and stalking; Stays in women’s safe houses; Pleas (in person) to the Ministry of External Affairs in India for help in recognition of this new type of crime against humanity which is impacting Indian citizens as well; Repeated requests for intervention to an agency called the White Ring in Germany which engages itself to stop human trafficking, among other issues; Repeated requests for intervention to various NGOs (Non Governmental Organisations) in Germany whose goal it is to help women in various critical situations; Multiple requests to various lawyers to represent my case but being turned down because I cannot afford the fees and no one is willing to work pro-bono; Requests to the German Courts for investigation of the growingly bizarre circumstances of my life; As a last resort – frantic and desperate mails to the German media and to Oprah Winfrey for help, among many other measures.
After all my efforts came to no avail, I even almost felt crazy. I have certainly acted crazy. My close friends and family probably think that I have gone crazy.
That I am crazy to make such statements. That I am crazy to insist on sharing the unpleasant and in their eyes – unnecessary truth about my life and my circumstances when there are so many other fantastic and fascinating things to do – which are a lot more pleasant and economically and socially rewarding.
At some point in 2007, in my opinion, I passed the point of impending insanity and have since then reached a state of complacency, which to be frank is a far more worrying symptom for me, because it signifies my loss of humanity. A far greater loss than sanity.
In the last ten years, up until last month, I have been to the best professionals that my geography has to offer: Psychologists, Psychiatrists, Therapists, Activists, Social Workers, Lawyers, and all the people whose life’s mission it is to help people unable to help themselves.
I have shared all aspects and circumstances – which have significantly negatively impacted my quality of life with these people – both male and female. Even though it was very difficult for me because I did have visions of being certified mad and locked up and away for my own good and the welfare of the society.
In all cases, I have been heard, consoled, sometimes understood – but essentially turned down – with the words that this situation is very difficult to prove in a court of law and that until something actually happens that they do not see the need to intervene. In an emergency, I always have the option of moving into a safe-house and live in self-imposed exile if I am stalked or feel stalked.
As far as the feedback from these people about my person goes: I am convincing, intelligent, rational, capable, resourceful and strong. I am not only not crazy, I am unfortunately certifiably fully capable of managing my own affairs and being held responsible for all my actions.
I hope at this point that I don’t disappoint any reader who had perhaps been hoping for an insight into a “beautiful mind.”
Through this cathartic exercise of finally committing my reality to record on this blog, I am re-freeing my creative energies for future engagement.
Through Galaelectic, I offer the reader a picture of a beautiful life in a newly emerging global reality that impacts all of humanity, in words…
Identity
Since I have been born, I have been many different people.
A genderless baby, a celebrated Indian girl child, a generic middle-class child in an equal opportunities world, an emancipated teenager, a cosmopolitan woman, a metro-sexual wife, an ex-wife, a female colleague in a male-workplace, a global citizen, someone’s first love…daughter, sister, friend, neighbour, classmate…
One person, many facets, and as many perspectives. As many “takes” on these facets of my personal identity and aspects of my individuality – as there have been “takers.”
When I describe myself, I am androgynous, generic but not anonymous.
Contradictory in every aspect. A poet and a rationalist. A dreamer and a pragmatist.
An emancipated woman and liberated individual – who wants more than anything else – to fulfil her biological destiny.
To be a mother and a mate.
I am done doing time…
Chrysalis
I reckon the easiest way to solve a problem is to begin with a problem.
Mine is that I am a prisoner and a slave. I am a “Targeted Individual.”
I am being monitored and interfered with, using State resources and technology, as are many other people world-wide.
24×7, 365 days, 360 degrees, on all levels imaginable…
I live in a parallel world, within our reality, in which no rules apply. Law, justice, fairness, privacy, identity, freedom – these words just exist in my memory.
My research suggests that I am a “Monarch” slave and that I had been singled out since my birth.
I am living in WW3. The world is at war with itself and I am the frontline and the battlefield.
Life has not been easy.
But, I guess that it has been more “Life” than most other people even dare to dream.
I am living history…
Chrysalis
I am poised on the threshold to tomorrow. A future which contains the unknown and the unexpected – for sure. But, how much of it will be as per my design?
All that I am and have been until today is the past if I don’t succeed in including all these aspects in my being in the future.
Easier said than done.
It is tough enough under the normal circumstances of life and living. But how do you do it living in a fish bowl?
I just know that it is too late now. It is happening and I did not start it. I won’t know when it is over. Not I, nor anyone else can stop this process of transformation from taking place.
Because, LIFE is a process…
But, most people I know don’t like change and are very uncomfortable with it. They resist it because it challenges them to reformulate their worldview. Athough change is a transformative process, it is associated with a loss of status quo – and it is only human to resist it.
I guess they figure, “If it ain’t broke, why fix it?” That is common sense and a sound philosophy, fundamentally.
The thing is however, if I am changed, changing, or feel the need to communicate a change in my status, most people who are associated or involved with me and my processes, are often invested in controlling this change in my life, in order to be able to continue to participate in my life.
What many who know me do not realise is that I often/mostly have to change in order to adapt to my reality and real-world circumstances – and that these circumstances are significantly different from that of other people…and that I, as a result, am a very different person from any other person that they have ever met.
I AM responsible for my actions and their consequences on my life, as it is fashionable to point out, but there are also circumstances outside my control in this world, that impact my life in ways that I cannot control. Just want to have pointed that out…
galaelectic 
