Epiphany

Funnily enough, despite my very challenging reality, I feel free.

Emancipated, set free and rid of all baggage that I had been carrying with me all these years.

What happened?

I worked it out.

How?

Simple. Step-by-step.

Huh?

You see, it is like this. Being a woman in a male world, a female in a predominantly male-workforce, having to conform as a woman to intellectual ideals and social taboos that have no relevance to my context, combined with being the object of 24x7x365 surveillance, challenged me in the most astonishing way.

There is certainly some truth in the famous Nietzsche quote “What does not kill you makes you stronger.” Or, do cowards die a hundred times before their death? Isn’t it all a matter of perspective?

That is what I have discovered. That it is all a matter of perspective. Admittedly, I am naturally predisposed to opportunism and a pretty constant framing and reframing of my life and reality since I am obsessed with my growth and development on all levels in this human life.

This process has been an epiphany for me. A religious breakthrough. A paradigm shift in my way of thinking. And that, given that there is no higher religion in my life than life itself, is a good thing. In fact, it is phenomenal, ground-breaking, awesome!

And, to be honest, it was only due to all the limitations imposed on me that this incredible change in my life took place.

On a banal level, the process of my transformation from a victim of society to just another person with a FUBAR life-story, describes the following milestones:

1. I realised that I was getting the short end of the deal.
I was getting paid less than my colleagues because I have fewer diploma’s and no professional qualifications for my chosen area of application; in addition to getting paid less because I am a woman; in addition to getting paid less because I have fewer years of experience! But, doing more work than anybody else as an over-compensatory move to make good for all these lacunae. And, not getting the same pay-raises and promotions as my peers because I lack the necessary social skills: I don’t ass-creep (I am congenitally defect. I have ADD – Attention Deficit Disorder. Some schools of science see it as a type of Autism. Autists find it almost impossible to lie or prevaricate and also to tolerate the same). Also, my big fat head (so full of *it*), with my huge mouth (big enough to fit my foot into on notable occasions), would be difficult to get into a normal sized arse on a good day.

This is just my professional life. In my personal life, I did not get any help from my immediate family on a day-to-day basis because – after all – “I am responsible for my own life and I should be able to get on with it on my own.” Also, I can write-off any kind of help or support because I am a social embarrassment to them. A person who, among other things, despite her considerable and demonstrated intellect, talents and “potential” – has managed to fail twice at being a wife to someone. (I mean, how stupid does one have to be to not even get their personal relationships to work out successfully?) To make matters worse, since I have dropped out of the ratrace, they see me as someone without an identity. Yeah, right, self-employed. That must be just another word for unemployable right? What do we tell people what you do for a living? Live?

I have heard it being referred to as tough love.

2. I decided not to put up with less than what I deserve.
I figured at some point of time that I would rather love myself tenderly, than have to bend and break in order to deserve “tough-love” from those that know me. People that feel that they are entitled to their sense of expectation of me, to be a stakeholder in the best results and successes in my life but not be obliged to do anything for me in return – such as support and love me in the bad times as well.

I have decided to let the people that are not supportive of me and my life’s goals to get on with their lives. I do not let anyone or anything lower my prana and energy charge or impact me in a limiting way. And with practice and experience, I am getting better at it.

Have you ever noticed that when you are in a really great mood and flying, there is always a bunch of nay-sayers who think it is their duty to bring you down to earth? Why? What’s so great down there? All I can see is you guys – whereas, here on my altitude, there are clear horizons everywhere you look. Don’t have the necessary charge to catch up with me up here, huh? Why don’t you all come up here and enjoy a whole new world with me? What are you afraid of?

3. I made some serious and concrete adjustments to my goals, lifestyle and person in order to live my dream.
It is my dream to be a wife and a mother. A partner and best-friend to my mate and the best parent to my children. I have achieved my dream of being a good student, professional, daughter, sister and many other such usual wishes that a person like me has. But, I have not yet achieved the dream of finally living in a family of my design and values.

The only reason that I am not yet living my dream is because in my almost four decades on earth, I have not yet met my significant other. The team-mate and partner with whom I will design the shape of my future.

As status reports go, I have arrived. As a person in my own reality. I am finally in a position to fully commit myself to another person. Now that I am finally my own person.

To be honest, this is probably the first time in my life when I am ready to commit. Until now, I was allocated by my family and people who know me – to various stations in life. My previous relationships were not the result of my own decisions but was me pandering to social expectations or hankering after that which I think I should have because of who I think I am.

I acknowledge daily all the ways in which my life has been positively charged and optimized through my own personal actions. I have faith in my abilities, our God and the absolute correctness of the eternal Universe. In nature, there is no such thing as a mistake. Mutations sort themselves out into viable and non-viable ones over the course of time.

God makes no mistakes.